Our culture has been shifting away from the Mother. In miles, and distance, and from the heart.
In my early thirties, I started breaking the cycle and ties of generations; Mother, Grandmother, and Great Grandmother. I was hurt and saddened by the chaos around me as a young person. The hurt was not intentional. As children, we are bystanders to those caring for us. That is not to say there was no love. There was. But what I found was missing was self-love. My Mothers love for herself. My Grandmothers love for herself. Would I not love myself?
I raised my daughter, now in her early twenties, differently. When she was ten, she yelled at me during an argument. You sound just like your Mother! The words shook me. They offended me. It was then that I started to peel away the layers of who I was. And who my Mother was. And why? Why did I get defensive when she pointed out that I sounded like my Mother? There were differences in my life from my Mothers. The distinction was that her life played like a dramatic soap opera. Yet, she also shared the nurturing part of herself.
After my divorce at the age of forty, I trailed a lineage of divorced women. I was drowning. Yet, I kept order for my daughter, my world. Nature was my anchor, my go-to, my savior. As I sank deeper into self-discovery, I had cut-off communication with my Mother. It was necessary to explore who I was - as a Mother. I learned to give to myself. I nurtured my body and mind. I gave my daughter the example of a Mother who loved herself enough to take care of herself.
But first, I had to let go of perfectionism. I clung firmly to perfectionism to help me survive. I had to be in control. Or, I believed everything would fall apart. But letting go helped to recognize the good in me that came from my Mother. The parts I appreciated and shared with my daughter. My daughter can see I'm nothing like my Mother. —Except now, I realize in some ways I am.
I often ask myself how we can move closer to the Mother in our times? I teach children the importance of Mother Earth, the Mother linked to our survival, and I keep my Mother in my heart.
The key to unlocking the source, the sacred knowledge, the knowing, travels far beyond the Mother who carried me in her womb. Yet, I want to acknowledge that I did not magically show up one day. She did carry me. As I learn to love all the parts I have turned away from, I invite you to explore your journey.
— Kim Soles